Even Our Happy Place is Different

I miss you.  So much.  

This weekend Thor opens and I'm going to take Joey and probably Emily to see it.  I keep having random freak-outs and panic attacks and so I've worried about going to the theater for the first time without you and how I would handle it.  Really, the movie theater was one of our happy places.

Michelle went with me today.  We shopped a bit and then went to see Bad Moms' Christmas.  You and I had talked about this in the hospital and I hoped it would be funny.  It took an incredible amount of self-control not to sob the entire way in and to the concessions line.  I felt hot and sweaty all over and my stomach hurt.

The thing is....well...it doesn't even LOOK like our happy place now.  With the renovations, you would hardly recognize it.  New restaurants, a bar (which I'm sure makes the My Little Pony movie easier to watch) and the cool dream loungers in all the theaters...it is awesome.  You would love it and we would have so much to talk about and so many fun trips to plan.  

Instead of doing that I just kept thinking to myself that you would want me to take our love of movies and keep enjoying theme. 

I feel like I do this all the time.  I imagine what I think you would say to me or how you would react just to pacify myself or pull myself down off a ledge.  I feel insane.  You know all those times when I would say "I know this sounds crazy, but I feel _______ and think ______."?  Well, I know this sounds crazy, but I feel lost without you and think that making stuff up makes me feel like you are still here helping me out or guiding me or something.  I know it sounds delusional, but right now delusion is all I have.