In about an hour I will have lived an entire calendar year without you. I'm sure you knew that I could do it and by the grace of God the kids are doing okay. It seems like just yesterday we were together. Weird that it feels like that but every day this year felt like an eternity. I can't really explain that.
On our trip to Branson this year Sophie picked up a stuffed Beta Max doll from the movie Big Hero 6. You introduced her to that movie and watched it more nights than I can count to get her to go to sleep. Your mom teared up just a little when she saw it.
Today, Sophie wanted to watch Jack Frost. She hadn't watched it since the last time she saw it with you. When I asked her where it was (Netflix, Vudu, etc...) she said "I don't know. Daddy always knew how to find it for me." We talked about you a bit and the movie and then we watched it together. God how I miss you.
Monday, December 31, 2018
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
Another Christmas
Another Christmas without you. I hope I did okay because the depression I felt all day was almost suffocating. Last year I had a sense of pushing through and making things as normal as I could for the kids. This year I knew what it would be like. I knew the quiet. I knew that I would have no one to lock eyes with as the kids opened their presents. I knew there would be no snuggling together for a Christmas nap. I knew.
It was hard to hold our traditions together this year. Joey wasn't interested and Sophie is slowly becoming a homebody. The Festival of Fried Foods didn't really even happen. It makes me sad. I tried, but it felt almost impossible to keep "our" traditions alive this year. So the inner struggle begins. Do I keep trying? They were important to me, but were they important to you? To the kids? You know how I am with holidays. The anticipation is just as fun as they day. This year? bleh.
I wonder what you would say about this. Would you tell me to do the things we loved? Would you laugh and tell me to do what feels right?
I don't know.
I found an email from you from several years ago. It made me cry. You said that if you went on before me that you would be hanging out in our mansion and getting it ready for us. You said that I should remember you love me and have a great life.
Wow. I am so thankful that you said and wrote things like that.
It was hard to hold our traditions together this year. Joey wasn't interested and Sophie is slowly becoming a homebody. The Festival of Fried Foods didn't really even happen. It makes me sad. I tried, but it felt almost impossible to keep "our" traditions alive this year. So the inner struggle begins. Do I keep trying? They were important to me, but were they important to you? To the kids? You know how I am with holidays. The anticipation is just as fun as they day. This year? bleh.
I wonder what you would say about this. Would you tell me to do the things we loved? Would you laugh and tell me to do what feels right?
I don't know.
I found an email from you from several years ago. It made me cry. You said that if you went on before me that you would be hanging out in our mansion and getting it ready for us. You said that I should remember you love me and have a great life.
Wow. I am so thankful that you said and wrote things like that.
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