A Weird Week

It's been a weird week without you.

It was weird being at Thanksgiving without you sitting near me eating plain Pringles and turkey sandwiches on white bread with Miracle Whip.

It was weird planning the kids' Christmas gifts without your input.

It was weird putting up the Christmas tree without you.  Joey taught Sophie how to put the angel on just like you showed him.

It was weird to eat at Cici's with just Sophie.  Quiet, sort of, and just weird.  Is this the new normal people talk about?  It's weird and I don't like it.

It was weird being in the Farmington movie theater without you.  Unlike the other theaters, it hasn't changed at all.

It was weird being at home and wanting to go out to eat or run around and not being able to.  I mean, I guess I could have gone alone or with Sophie but I just wanted to hang out with you.  I wanted to dream with you and talk about the coming holidays and just be near you.

I couldn't.  It was sad and it was weird.

I am Thankful

I am thankful for 25 years with you.
I am thankful that with you I knew what it was like to feel beautiful, to feel accomplished, to feel desired.
I am thankful for the role model you unknowingly were in showing forgiveness and patience.
I am thankful that we talked about life without each other just in case because it feels like you are cheering me on even now.
I am thankful for your support with my crazy internet business that has now turned into so much more.
I am thankful for your passionate embrace of games and toys and fun.  They make me happy too.
I am thankful that you shared your heart with me and that you saw my darkness and loved it too.
I am thankful for your acceptance.  I could always be me even when that "me" was less than good.
I am thankful that you told me and the kids every single day that you loved us.  Sometimes many times a day.
I am thankful for our son.  I hear you when he talks and when he plans his future I can hear your wisdom in his words.  He is so much like you.
I am thankful for our daughter.  I can't believe that we got to be pregnant and bring such a ray of sunshine into the world.  She may be carrying me right now, but she does so with your strength and honesty.
I am thankful that I know what true love feels like and looks like.  I know there are some that live an entire lifetime without knowing what that can be.
I am thankful that you supported my independence as much as my submission.
I am thankful for your faith in God and that you let me see your struggle to know it, understand it and embrace it.
I am thankful that I was known as yours and you were known as mine.
I am not happy today, but I am thankful. 
I am thankful that death is not the end and that one day my hopes will be realized and I will once again be in your arms.
I am thankful for God's perfect timing even when I don't understand it and today I am so incredibly thankful for you.

You Prepared Me More Than I Realized

I went to the cemetery again this weekend.  Twice.  Once with your mom and Sophie to place flowers and then on Sunday with Joey.  He wanted to go as it was the 19th and a month had passed.  He misses you.  Tonight he said "I miss hearing Dad yelling at his computer."  I said "I miss him sitting in that chair talking to me."  Sophie said "I miss laying next to him in bed."

Sophie and I brought flowers on Saturday as did your mom.  Sophie picked purple flowers because they were your favorite.  Then she said "But Daddy knows how I like to match things so I'll get some blue ones too."  :-)  It was hard to be there with your mom and Sophie.  It was hard to see the flowers dried up and dead on the cold, muddy clay.  It was hard to see your name on that stupid metal sign.  I'm sure that some day I'll be able to visit your resting place and feel something other than anger and intense sadness, but it isn't today.

Your mom is having a hard time.  I can't imagine burying Joey or Sophie.  I can't fathom that kind of pain.  I want to help her as much as I can, but most days I feel like I'm drowning in my own grief.  Being held captive in the quicksand of my life.  I feel like I'm in a daze and am just acting out my life.

Although my grief seems all consuming at times, you prepared me more than you realized.  I can hear you answer me when I tearfully asked "What on earth would I do without you?"  I think about that all the time.  I replay your voice telling me that I would be sad, that I would do what I needed to do and that I would take care of the kids.  In a way it seems that you are cheering me on.

I Cried.

Today I cried when I woke up and realized it had been a month.
I cried when I remembered holding you as you slipped away.
I cried when I couldn't get out the door on time without your help.
I cried when I watched the video my phone generated of pictures of you.
I cried when I left school to get Chinese food, remembering how sometimes I would sneak home to check on you.
I cried when I saw The Last Jedi trailer on TV.
I cried while I looked through the mail.
I cried while Sophie was in the bathtub because I was lonely without you.
I cried when I got to the car after Joey came into show me a Deadpool trailer. You always made me watch so many trailers.  I miss that.
I cried when I bought a pair of shoes online because you weren't here to laugh at me and say "Buy some shoes. You don't have enough."
I'm crying now because this day has sucked.
I'm crying now because I can't bear the thought of the next month or so without you.
I'm crying now because it feels like grieving is one of the few ways left that I have to love you.


I hope that isn't true.  I hope that there will be other ways to love you.  Love doesn't die, does it?  Flowers die.  People die.  Surely love doesn't die.

Now I'm crying just thinking about that.

"Aren't we, Mama?"

Mommy and Me Paint Night at The Little Learners Academy

Sophie rode the bus to my school today.  On the way to my classroom we visited the cafeteria to say hi to Suzie's mom.  We ended up leaving with a bowl of chicken nuggets and some apple juice.  I got her set up in my room with a place to eat while I finished putting up a bulletin board.

For a while she just chatted about her day and then out of the blue she said "I think we are doing OKAY without Daddy!"

It felt like someone just sat on my chest.  I wasn't sure what to say for a bit.  Where did that come from? 

"I still miss Daddy very much." I told her.

"I know, but we are doing okay, aren't we mama?"

I know that she is dealing with this in her own way.  I know that she was responding to the new experience of coming to my school and being in my classroom-she loves that.  I know that she misses you and thinks about you.  I know this is probably just her finding the sunshine again.  She does that in all situations and I love that about her so very much.

I don't know why it was so upsetting.  I mean, we are okay.  I'm pushing forward even though most days it feels like I'm pushing through quicksand.  I just...I just couldn't take her honesty I guess.  Some days it feels like the whole fucking world is moving on and just doesn't see that I don't feel like it.  Some days I am SO angry that the world is still turning, people going to work, parties, holidays, mail delivered, phone calls coming, bills rolling in....how can the whole world keep moving on when you are gone? 

Ears and Tears

Yesterday after her dentist appointment Sophie saw another girl about her age getting her ears pierced and decided she wanted to do it too.  I guess we started talking about it last spring but she never really seemed quite ready.  Once she even said that she didn't want to keep the same earrings in for 6 weeks.  *giggle*  The picture shows her in tears, but only because the first one hurt.  Not for long (she said 4 seconds) and after a few minutes of calming her down she was ready for the second.  I was so proud of her.  She is fearless.

Joey is in a terrible mood tonight.  I don't know why.  Just like always.  I don't know why.  I needed his help to get your monitor working and he just kept huffing and puffing the whole time.  Later, I just knocked on his door to kiss him goodnight and he was curt, dismissive and mean.  I don't know how I can do this without you.  You seemed to have a better connection with him and I know you were so much more empathetic than I am.  How?  How do I do this?  How do I connect with him?  How do I show him how much I love him?  How can I help him through days like this?  

I need you to tell me its going to be okay.  I need you to be the bridge.  I need you to hold me.  

My head feels like I am wearing a concrete helmet over it.  My loneliness feels like a noose.  My heart hurts.

Of Course It Is

It has been three weeks and seven hours since I held you as you took your last breath.
Today has been hard.

Work kept my mind busy for a large portion of the day, but I had to take the life insurance claim forms to central office during my break time and that sucked.  Then there were other things to take care of, beneficiaries to change, stuff.  They were incredibly helpful and sensitive.  That helped, but it took longer than I thought and by the time I got back to the car I was incredibly depressed.  When I got back to school I just sat in the car for about 10 minutes trying to pull myself together to go inside. 

Sophie rode the bus to the intermediate for the first time today.  She's such a big girl.  I KNOW that I was more nervous about her doing this than she was.  While I packed up things in my classroom we chatted.

Me: I don't know Sophie. I guess they just weren't paying attention in class.
Sophie: I pay attention in class!
Me: Do you?
Sophie: YES! Paying attention is the BEST!
Me: It is?
Sophie: YES! When you pay attention you get to know stuff that you didn't know!

LOL.  She is a breath of fresh air on days like this.

Yesterday was a tough day too.  I took Sophie to the cardiologist because hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is a genetic thing.  I know we have talked about it for years and I finally decided that I just couldn't wait any more.  It was incredibly hard to watch her get an echo and Doppler.  I've seen you get them so many times that this was just a little too much a little too soon.   It was frightening really to see her little body with all of those things attached.  I remembered what they looked like on your chest just a few weeks ago.  I chatted with her in what I hoped was a cheerful way and I choked down the bile that rose in my throat.

The doctor said that if you were around we could have done genetic testing for the gene that was responsible for your IHSS, but now...well...you know.  She'll check your records and see if perhaps one of the many tests you had done included that but wasn't optimistic that she would find anything.  It's okay.  With regular testing, I'll stay on top of it.  I promise.  I know she'll live a long, full life.

After what felt like an eternity, the tests were finished and the doctor found us in the waiting area.  "Sophie's heart looks perfect." she said

I thought about what joy she had been to you with her innocence, enthusiasm, silliness and joy and thought about the grown up way she talks to me sometimes and thought "Of course it is.  Her heart is beautiful.  Her heart is full of love.  Her heart IS perfect."

Soccer

A few days ago Sophie and I were hanging out in the living room and something came on TV that reminded me of you.

Me:  Daddy really liked this movie.  Maybe sometime you'd like to watch it.
Sophie:  I would!  You know, Daddy is looking down watching us.  We should turn the TV to soccer and go in the other room and leave it on so he can watch it too. 
Me:  I think that would make Daddy happy!

And then I could hear your voice saying "Football, not soccer."
*giggle*  She has always called football "soccer".

Removed from Our Family

We turned in our packed shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child.  We packed 4, one for each of us, just like we did last year and what I intend to do next year too.

This morning at church the t-shirts we ordered months ago came in.  Picking up your shirt brought tears to my eyes.  Then I walked downstairs to sign Sophie into GoKids.  I couldn't find her name because they have removed your name from our family in the computer.   I ended up in the car crying.

I wasn't ready to see that.

This afternoon I took Joey and Emily to see the new Thor movie at Ronnie's.  We ate at Pieology (one of your favorites!)  The movie was good.  I think you would have enjoyed it.  Joey is pretty amazing.  Thoughtful, funny and he added some much needed background info about the movie.  I love that, because that was always your job and I need that.

Getting Used to Not Having You Around

Today was the first session of Learning the Way at church.  It is the class that Greg told us about last year and is focusing on creating habits, rhythms and practices to help us transform our spiritual lives.  I hated being there without you.  It felt wrong.  Several people really went out of their way to connect with me and I appreciated it but I missed you still.

This afternoon we had no plans.  If you were here I'm sure we would have been off to see Thor and maybe do the weekly shopping.  Just couldn't do it.  So just being home on a super gray day was harder than you might think.  It felt like I just ached with grief all day.  I was always seconds from tears and I snapped continually at Sophie.  She didn't feel well today as was whiny and I just didn't cope with it well.  I wanted to crawl into bed with you, cuddle under the quilts and wake up in your arms.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.  Maddening, really.

At one point today I sat in tears on the couch.  When Sophie asked what was wrong, I told her that I was sad because I missed you.  She said "I'm kind of getting used to not having daddy around."

Talk about knife to the heart...ouch.  In her innocence she really wounded me.  The truth is, it has been two months since you've been at home with her.  You were insistent to stay home for her 6th birthday and since then you had been in the hospital.  It's been a lot longer for her than it has for me.  She's trying to make sense of all of this and being your daughter she has a flair for perception and honesty.

She got a positive office referral this week for being respectful and saying "Thank you."  In this picture she's cuddle up in your chair with the iPad (that miraculously works) and headphones.  Love that smile.

Will I be getting used to it in a couple of months?  I'm not sure what to hope for.  Does getting used to living without you mean that I love you less? Is the length and severity of my mourning in direct relation to the depth and intensity of my love for you?  I don't think so, but right now it feels like mourning you is the only way I have left to show you my love.

What I expect is that in a couple of months I will have found a new rhythm to surviving.  I will have lived through a painful holiday season, one that I'm dreading with every other breath right now.  I will have figured out how to balance taking care of the bills, the kids, work, the business and hopefully will be growing spiritually in a way I can't imagine.  Does that mean that I'll be used to not having you around?  I guess in some ways it will.  It's what you would want.  You would want me to live, to find joy, to keep moving.  I know.  I'm glad you told me that when you had a chance.

But that day isn't today. 
Today I hurt. 
Today I am lonely. 
Today I am so fucking mad I can hardly keep from screaming.

Even Our Happy Place is Different

I miss you.  So much.  

This weekend Thor opens and I'm going to take Joey and probably Emily to see it.  I keep having random freak-outs and panic attacks and so I've worried about going to the theater for the first time without you and how I would handle it.  Really, the movie theater was one of our happy places.

Michelle went with me today.  We shopped a bit and then went to see Bad Moms' Christmas.  You and I had talked about this in the hospital and I hoped it would be funny.  It took an incredible amount of self-control not to sob the entire way in and to the concessions line.  I felt hot and sweaty all over and my stomach hurt.

The thing is....well...it doesn't even LOOK like our happy place now.  With the renovations, you would hardly recognize it.  New restaurants, a bar (which I'm sure makes the My Little Pony movie easier to watch) and the cool dream loungers in all the theaters...it is awesome.  You would love it and we would have so much to talk about and so many fun trips to plan.  

Instead of doing that I just kept thinking to myself that you would want me to take our love of movies and keep enjoying theme. 

I feel like I do this all the time.  I imagine what I think you would say to me or how you would react just to pacify myself or pull myself down off a ledge.  I feel insane.  You know all those times when I would say "I know this sounds crazy, but I feel _______ and think ______."?  Well, I know this sounds crazy, but I feel lost without you and think that making stuff up makes me feel like you are still here helping me out or guiding me or something.  I know it sounds delusional, but right now delusion is all I have.