Tracy Said: So, it's come to this.

Friday we went to see a cardiac specialist.  You know, for when a cardiologist just isn't special enough.  It was not the news we wanted to hear, but somehow it wasn't a complete surprise either.  Jason's heart is weak.  Very weak.  Medicine just isn't enough anymore and it is time to take the next big step.

That includes an LVAD.  That's a ventricle assist device that will be implanted into Jason's heart and stay there forever.  It will help his heart pump by sort of pumping for him.  They aren't sure if that's what will happen next, but it will happen now or sometime in the future.

We learned that if they do the cardiac catherization and find that his heart needs the support of an LVAD that without it, he has a 20% chance of living through the next year.  This is just unacceptable.  With the device, life expectancy for one year is 88% and 3 years is 60%.  I hate that math.

I could hardly keep from crying the rest of the day.  I could only play out the very worst scenarios in my head and my brain just swimmed with the thoughts of trying to take care of the kids in one place and him an hour and forty minutes away.  How could this work?  Where is the priority?  What if it was all for nothing?  What if I couldn't do it?  What if the kids suffer? What if I lose the love of my life?

Even when you expect news like that, it is not easy to take.  Jason was reeling too.  The suffering of the last year just seems to continue.  His strength and perseverance are incredible.  The mental fortitude that he has displayed is beyond anything I've ever known.  His ability to father and love has only improved despite the physical stresses of the last year.  But this?  This was hard.

"The truth" he told me "is that I'm dying.  This is going to slow that down.  Did you hear what he said about the statistics?"

Hear it?  It has echoed so much in my head that its starting to hurt again.  Then I thought about a few days ago.  I had my first migraine.  It was awful.  He held me as I cried.  He took care of me.  Even though he was exhausted beyond reason, he drove me to the doctor, the emergency room, the pharmacy and helped me rest.  He told me "It's gonna be all right."  I needed that.  I always need that.  Every day.  What would I do if I lost him?  How would I have handled this emergency myself?  How would I handle anything myself?

The truth is we are are fearful of the journey ahead.  It could be painful and long.  It could be worse on the other side.  It could the straw that breaks the proverbial camel's back.  There isn't a clear path.  The future seems murky.

But, it could also be better.  This could be thing that makes Jason feel like himself again.  This could be what gives him the strength to continue to hold our family together and minister to those around him.  This?  This could be the point where in ten years we say "When God did this, everything changed."

We are 100% confident that God can fix this.  We know that this is nothing for Him.  We've witnessed His movement and His miracles in our lives.  We are a living testimony of how God fixes broken people and uses their imperfect lives.  We know that He can make better things happen than we could even imagine.

We also know that sometimes what we want isn't in His plan.  We know that walking in faith sometimes means walking through a big pile of shit.  Sometimes our faith walk is filled with pain, confusion and dismay.  Sometimes, our heavenly Daddy says "no" and we have to take the long road.
I can't fathom the thought of Jason not seeing Sophie grow up.  I can't imagine Joey not having this amazing man to look up to.  I can't imagine losing the other part of myself.

So, I won't.

We will push on in the confidence that God is with us and God is working.  We will lean on those around us when we can't stand on our own.  We will humbly ask for help when we would rather do it by ourselves.  We will worry, but then we will focus on the next step and do it.  We will fear, but then we'll remember that God has given us love, power and a sound mind.  We will pray and we will love and will we cling to each other even more than we have before.

Tracy Said: The Day He Couldn't Remember My Name

August 17, 2014

It was pretty early, but the sun was still streaming through the windows and I knew that I would only have a few minutes before I had to get up for church.  The parsonage was just across the parking lot, but Sunday mornings seemed to be rushed and hectic anyway.  This morning, Sophie (age 2) had spent the night at Grandma Lord’s house.  Joey (age 14) was still asleep in his room.  Jason, who had been sleeping in the recliner in the living room had just sat next to me in bed.  He spent a few hours a night in the recliner.  Congestive heart failure got better and worse and some nights it was the best way to rest.

I rolled over and snuggled just a little bit.  My arm ached and throbbed horribly in the morning.  The car accident a month ago caused my left wrist to be broken in many places.  It still hurt.  Especially in the morning. 

Jason didn’t move.  Something didn’t seem right.  I thought he might lay down next to me and we would talk about plans for the day.

“You okay?”  I asked in my sexy Louis Armstrong sounding morning voice.

“Hey.  You okay?”  I looked up.  He seemed a little confused.  Actually, he looked weird.  Different.  I rolled over thinking it was just the angle that I was laying that was making his face look a little odd.

“Whooa.” He said shaking his head from side to side.

“Wah wah whoa.”  I sat straight up in bed thinking maybe he was just joking with me.

“Wha.”  He looked at me in disbelief and tried to make words come out instead of the grunts and sounds that I heard.

“Oh my god.  Are you doing this on purpose?”  He shook his head again rolling his eyes in irritation.  My body went icy cold and I’m sure my blood sugar dropped 50 points as I realized what was happening.

“Jason.  You’re having a stroke.  I’ve got to call somebody.” I said reaching for my phone.  He caught my hand and shook his head again.
“Wah!”

I could only sit for just a few seconds more.  This was bad.  This was really bad.  I started shaking, my eyes burning and reached for my clothes.  Throwing them on I woke Joey up.  “Joey!  Get up!  Something is wrong with Dad.”  Probably not the best way to welcome the day, but I wasn’t screaming yet.  That was something.  I had covered my naked parts.  That was also something.

Jason was still trying to keep me from calling, but there was no way on earth that I wasn’t making that call.  Was he having the stroke right now?  How do you know when it is over?  Is this going to lead to a heart attack?  Would I be able to save him?  I dialed 911 wondering if I would get someone local.  It seemed that I read articles about cell phone calls to 911 going to weird places.  Why was I thinking about that?

“911.  What is your emergency?” said a calm and reasonable sounding woman on the other end.

“My husband.  My husband has had a stroke or he’s having a stroke.  I’m not sure.  I don’t know what to do.”  Talk about understatement of the year.  Butter for a burn.  Aspirin for a heart attack.  Pressure to a wound.  What do you do for a stroke?  Why the hell were these things flashing through my mind now? 

“All right mam.  I’m going to help you.  Can you give me your address?”

“1004 High Street, Fredericktown.”  My voice was shaking and tears were flowing.  I was officially freaking out.  I stuttered through the rest of the questions that she asked focusing on getting her as much information as I could. 

Yes.  He can walk.  No.  This has never happened before.

“He has a heart condition.  He’s had a heart attack before.”  I helped him walk to the living room and back to the recliner.

No, there are no dogs in the house.  There’s one step.  Come in the front door.

Jason was shaking his head each time I looked at him.  I knew that look.  He wasn’t going to go.  He just had a stroke and he wasn’t going to go when the paramedics got there.  He was going to sit there, not able to talk and refuse to go?  Aw, heck no.  He was going if I had to drag him out myself with my one good arm.

Then I realized that he was naked.  He was sitting in the living room naked waiting on strangers to come and carry him out.  I saw the problem now.  Running back to the bedroom I grabbed the clothes he shed the night before and helped him get his underwear and shorts on.  I remember the pain shooting through my arm as I struggled to help him. 

“Okay.  He’s stable and he’s in the living room.  Thank you for your help.  I really appreciate it.”

“Mam, you need to stay on the line until the paramedics get there.  I’ll be right here.  Tell me how he looks right now.”

Aw, man.  I knew that.  Of course they stay on the line with you.  Had television taught me nothing?

Then they were there. Joey went to the front porch and 2 paramedics quickly entered the room.

Then the phone rang.  Seriously?  And rang.  And rang.  It was a sweet lady from church that lived down the road.  She wanted to know if everything was all right.  “No.  No it is not.”  I’m sure I said something else, but I don’t remember.  I hung up and watched the paramedics check his blood pressure, his pupils, listen to his heart and then I realized how young they looked.

OH MY GAWD!  They sent TEENAGERS to save my husband?  How could these people be old enough to drive let alone save a life?  They asked Jason questions which he answered by shaking or nodding his head.  When he couldn’t do that I filled in the blanks.

His color looked good.  He was obviously annoyed and looked at me disoriented and shaking his head. 

“We need to get him to the hospital.  The nearest stage 4 stroke care is Farmington or Cape Girardeau.  Where do you us to take him?”  (What is stage 4 stroke care?  I don’t know.)

Putting his hands out as though he was an umpire calling safe, he spoke slowly in a low deliberate voice.

“I.  Feel.  Fine.”

We all just looked at him for a few seconds of silence. 

“I.  Feeeeeeeeeel.  Fine.”

I looked at Joey and he looked back at me.  He was pale.  He was scared too.  Jason was not fine.

“Feeling fine or not, you’ve had a stroke and you are absolutely going to the hospital.” I explained.  “Don’t even try to fight this.”

He sighed a sigh of exasperation.  I knew that sigh too.  I took that as a sign that he would be compliant.   They wouldn’t let him walk all the way to the ambulance but they did let him walk out the door and onto the sidewalk to the awaiting stretcher.  I kissed him.  I told him I loved him and they took him away.

As fast as we could, we grabbed phones and my purse and jumped in the car.  Calls were made.  I don’t remember much, just that I cried when I talked to my Mom and that I was thankful that Jason’s mom had a friend at her house to help her.

By the time we met at the hospital about 15 minutes away and they finished examining him, he could speak.  He sounded like himself, but he looked exhausted.  He couldn’t remember some things about himself.  He repeated things like “for lack of a better word” and “you know”.  He repeated them a lot.  Although he was talking and sounded like himself, he wasn’t always making sense.

Soon he was transferred to St. Louis.  Before he left my brother and sister in law brought some things from the house (Hurray for a clean shirt and a bra!) and took Joey home.  I told them that doctors said that he would be all right.  “But he’s not the same.” I stammered.  “He’s not the same.”

My head hurt, my eyes burned and I could barely stop imagining the worst possible outcomes.  Long hours later I sat beside him in his room.  Team after team came through.  They asked him the same questions. 

“What is your name?” He couldn’t remember, but he could read it off of his bracelet.  That was at least resourceful.  I reasoned that being able to read was a good thing.  He could remember things like the date and who was president most times, but when they asked him where his other injuries were (from the car accident a few weeks ago) he couldn’t say “stomach”.  He couldn’t label things.  He knew that the thing in their hand was used to write on paper, but he couldn’t call it a pen.  He knew that it had 5 buttons and was blue but couldn’t say it was a shirt.

My heart beat faster every time he got something wrong.  This was not my husband.  He was incredibly intelligent and well-spoken.  His vocabulary was through the roof.  Why couldn’t he say “shirt”?  He could tell them what happened, but he couldn’t label anything.

The more tired he got, the more he mixed up words and began substituting them with the same word.  For a while it was “July”.  July is his birth month and also the month that we had the car accident and he got the huge seatbelt wounds on his chest and abdomen.   He used the word often enough that it was probably a good one to get stuck on for a while.

I realized that I was holding my breath through their examinations.  I tried to catch his eye and smile just so he would know that he was doing fine.  Really, I was petrified.  What on earth had happened?  What on earth was going to happen?

“Can you tell me your name?”

“Jason Matthew King” he said looking at his hospital bracelet.

“And who is this with you?”

He looked at me.  I swear a quick flash of fear sparkled in his eyes.  Silence followed.

I held my breath and willed him to get it right.  “Come on, baby!” I thought. “Look at me.  Remember how much I love you.  Say my name.”

“This is my wife.”  He said slowly, staring at me as though the answer might appear on my forehead.

“What is her name?”

“I can’t remember.  I know her.  I know our life.” 

More  silence.

“I can’t remember her name.”

Read Jason's story.

Jason Said: The Stroke

I woke up.  I felt strange, but I wasn’t really sure what that meant.  I had felt so bad in the last few weeks, months even, that I wasn’t sure what to make of this new oddness.  I didn’t wake up alarmed, but something was off.

I was tired.  It was Sunday and I had things to do.  I took the iPad into the bathroom and sat down for my morning constitutional.  As I read news on the iPad I couldn’t understand it.  I mean, I could read the words but they didn’t mean anything to me.

I finished my business and thought I would go and get dressed.  I needed to get the church open and turn the air on.  It was August 17th (2014) and still pretty hot.  I went into the bedroom where Tracy was sleeping.  I touched her and she started talking to me.

I tried to talk to her but nothing worked.  I was saying words in my head but that wasn’t what I was hearing come out of my mouth.  Something was wrong.  Why couldn’t I speak?  I was trying and…nothing.

I don’t remember lots of details from the next few minutes.  Tracy asked me if I was messing with her.  A few times.  I wish I was.  She yelled at Joey, who brought the phone to her and she called 911. 

They helped me get to the chair in the living room.  I could walk.  I was wobbly, but I could walk.  Something was strange at the Circle K and I couldn’t explain it.  The paramedics arrived and finally I was able to speak my first few words.  “I feel fine.”

I didn’t think I had experienced a stroke.  I could walk.  I just showed them that I could say words now, although it was weird that I couldn’t for a while.  I wasn’t paralyzed or laying on the floor twitching like I’d heard some stroke victims do.  I was fine.  Well, I mean…I was sort of fine.

I was at Parkland Hospital soon.  They said they couldn’t do anything because they weren’t sure when the stroke occurred.  I was off to Barnes Jewish in St. Louis.  The ride was awful.  The stretcher was uncomfortable.  It wasn’t just uncomfortable, it was awful.

After an incredibly long drive and an incredibly long wait in the ER at Barnes Jewish I was finally placed in a room.  I had a roommate.  Actually I had a parade of doctors and their students talk to me.  They all asked the same questions.  “What’s your name?  What’s today’s date?”

I didn’t always get them right.  That was weird.  My mom came up with friends that were at her house for the weekend.  She couldn’t stay long because they had stuff to do.  That was fine.  She was super worried and it was probably best.  Tracy talked to me, but I wasn’t really up to conversation.  She had to leave around ten.  She was really tired.  I don’t think either of us got much sleep that night.

Everyone told me that it was a mild stroke and that I would recovery.  They talked about therapy and told me that my heart’s ejection fraction was really low.  Between this day and the car accident a few weeks ago, it seemed that perhaps my health had crested and I was fighting a whole new battle.

To me, it was like I was just struggling to soft land and not crash.

Read Tracy's story.

Welcome!

Welcome!

This is the online home of our autobiography.  Our plans are to record our lives by recording our unique perspectives on it.  I'd love to say that we will start at the beginning and chronologically record our stories, but I doubt that will happen.  It is our hope that this will become a collection of stories that our children will someday read.  Reading them, we hope that they will learn of the love they surrounds them and the God that loves them even more.

-Tracy