Of Course It Is

It has been three weeks and seven hours since I held you as you took your last breath.
Today has been hard.

Work kept my mind busy for a large portion of the day, but I had to take the life insurance claim forms to central office during my break time and that sucked.  Then there were other things to take care of, beneficiaries to change, stuff.  They were incredibly helpful and sensitive.  That helped, but it took longer than I thought and by the time I got back to the car I was incredibly depressed.  When I got back to school I just sat in the car for about 10 minutes trying to pull myself together to go inside. 

Sophie rode the bus to the intermediate for the first time today.  She's such a big girl.  I KNOW that I was more nervous about her doing this than she was.  While I packed up things in my classroom we chatted.

Me: I don't know Sophie. I guess they just weren't paying attention in class.
Sophie: I pay attention in class!
Me: Do you?
Sophie: YES! Paying attention is the BEST!
Me: It is?
Sophie: YES! When you pay attention you get to know stuff that you didn't know!

LOL.  She is a breath of fresh air on days like this.

Yesterday was a tough day too.  I took Sophie to the cardiologist because hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is a genetic thing.  I know we have talked about it for years and I finally decided that I just couldn't wait any more.  It was incredibly hard to watch her get an echo and Doppler.  I've seen you get them so many times that this was just a little too much a little too soon.   It was frightening really to see her little body with all of those things attached.  I remembered what they looked like on your chest just a few weeks ago.  I chatted with her in what I hoped was a cheerful way and I choked down the bile that rose in my throat.

The doctor said that if you were around we could have done genetic testing for the gene that was responsible for your IHSS, but now...well...you know.  She'll check your records and see if perhaps one of the many tests you had done included that but wasn't optimistic that she would find anything.  It's okay.  With regular testing, I'll stay on top of it.  I promise.  I know she'll live a long, full life.

After what felt like an eternity, the tests were finished and the doctor found us in the waiting area.  "Sophie's heart looks perfect." she said

I thought about what joy she had been to you with her innocence, enthusiasm, silliness and joy and thought about the grown up way she talks to me sometimes and thought "Of course it is.  Her heart is beautiful.  Her heart is full of love.  Her heart IS perfect."