Getting Used to Not Having You Around

Today was the first session of Learning the Way at church.  It is the class that Greg told us about last year and is focusing on creating habits, rhythms and practices to help us transform our spiritual lives.  I hated being there without you.  It felt wrong.  Several people really went out of their way to connect with me and I appreciated it but I missed you still.

This afternoon we had no plans.  If you were here I'm sure we would have been off to see Thor and maybe do the weekly shopping.  Just couldn't do it.  So just being home on a super gray day was harder than you might think.  It felt like I just ached with grief all day.  I was always seconds from tears and I snapped continually at Sophie.  She didn't feel well today as was whiny and I just didn't cope with it well.  I wanted to crawl into bed with you, cuddle under the quilts and wake up in your arms.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.  Maddening, really.

At one point today I sat in tears on the couch.  When Sophie asked what was wrong, I told her that I was sad because I missed you.  She said "I'm kind of getting used to not having daddy around."

Talk about knife to the heart...ouch.  In her innocence she really wounded me.  The truth is, it has been two months since you've been at home with her.  You were insistent to stay home for her 6th birthday and since then you had been in the hospital.  It's been a lot longer for her than it has for me.  She's trying to make sense of all of this and being your daughter she has a flair for perception and honesty.

She got a positive office referral this week for being respectful and saying "Thank you."  In this picture she's cuddle up in your chair with the iPad (that miraculously works) and headphones.  Love that smile.

Will I be getting used to it in a couple of months?  I'm not sure what to hope for.  Does getting used to living without you mean that I love you less? Is the length and severity of my mourning in direct relation to the depth and intensity of my love for you?  I don't think so, but right now it feels like mourning you is the only way I have left to show you my love.

What I expect is that in a couple of months I will have found a new rhythm to surviving.  I will have lived through a painful holiday season, one that I'm dreading with every other breath right now.  I will have figured out how to balance taking care of the bills, the kids, work, the business and hopefully will be growing spiritually in a way I can't imagine.  Does that mean that I'll be used to not having you around?  I guess in some ways it will.  It's what you would want.  You would want me to live, to find joy, to keep moving.  I know.  I'm glad you told me that when you had a chance.

But that day isn't today. 
Today I hurt. 
Today I am lonely. 
Today I am so fucking mad I can hardly keep from screaming.