I went to the cemetery again this weekend. Twice. Once with your mom and Sophie to place flowers and then on Sunday with Joey. He wanted to go as it was the 19th and a month had passed. He misses you. Tonight he said "I miss hearing Dad yelling at his computer." I said "I miss him sitting in that chair talking to me." Sophie said "I miss laying next to him in bed."
Sophie and I brought flowers on Saturday as did your mom. Sophie picked purple flowers because they were your favorite. Then she said "But Daddy knows how I like to match things so I'll get some blue ones too." :-) It was hard to be there with your mom and Sophie. It was hard to see the flowers dried up and dead on the cold, muddy clay. It was hard to see your name on that stupid metal sign. I'm sure that some day I'll be able to visit your resting place and feel something other than anger and intense sadness, but it isn't today.
Your mom is having a hard time. I can't imagine burying Joey or Sophie. I can't fathom that kind of pain. I want to help her as much as I can, but most days I feel like I'm drowning in my own grief. Being held captive in the quicksand of my life. I feel like I'm in a daze and am just acting out my life.
Although my grief seems all consuming at times, you prepared me more than you realized. I can hear you answer me when I tearfully asked "What on earth would I do without you?" I think about that all the time. I replay your voice telling me that I would be sad, that I would do what I needed to do and that I would take care of the kids. In a way it seems that you are cheering me on.
No comments:
Post a Comment