Trying

Today was Halloween.  Our first without you.  Joey pretty much hung out in his room, so that seemed normal.  Your mom and I went to Sophie's class party.  I led some freeze dance songs and the song "Bear Hunt" and it was fun for the kids and for me.  Before she left your mom played paper dolls with Sophie.  It was good to hear them laugh.  Tonight I took Sophie trick or treating.  Mom joined us for a while.  We returned home and Sophie and I sat on the living room floor and watched spooky cartoons and ate candy.

I'm trying to make this normal for them.  I'm trying to do things we would normally do.  Trying not to work so much at night so that I can engage Sophie as much as she needs.  Trying to talk to Joey about his future and help him make plans.  Trying to smile even when I feel like screaming.  Trying to breathe slowly and nod my head instead of falling to the floor sobbing when I feel that wave of pain wash over me.

Tonight Sophie climbed up on the couch with me, curled up in her blanket, with her head on my lap.  She gently sucked her thumb and stared up at me for a few minutes.  Then she said "What does it look like in heaven?"

She's been doing this some.  She's processing all of this in her own way and I'm giving her the information and the support she needs in a supply and demand fashion.  We talked about it for a few minutes.  I had to confess that I didn't really know much about heaven because the Bible isn't specific.  She said "Well I can't even read a book like that so how am I supposed to know?"  *giggle*  That?  That sass she gets from you.  She wants to understand, but this is tough. 

Our conversation:

Sophie: What does it look like in heaven?
Me: *Making up a bunch of shit because the Bible is a little vague on the specifics.* It's hard to say exactly but we'll have new bodies that aren't sick and we'll be happy. We will get to see people that have already gone to heaven and we will know them. It's a pretty amazing place and I bet that it is beautiful.
Sophie: Will there be stores?
Me: Well, I don't know really. The Bible doesn't really say.
Sophie: Well, I can't even read a book like that. How am I supposed to know?
Me: I can tell you what I know! Some say there will be big beautiful mansions there. That sounds nice.
Sophie: It's not fair that daddy got to go there first!
Me: *........*
Sophie: First daddy goes and then second it will probably be you.
Me: *laughing nervously* Well, that's probably how it will go but not for a long, long time.
Sophie: So, who's going to take care of me?
Me: I will take care of you!
Sophie: What about when you go to heaven? Who will take care of me?
Me: Hopefully you will be all grown up before that happens and you'll be able to take care of yourself. I will still miss you and you will still miss me but you'll be all grown up and will be okay.
Sophie: I always want you to take care of me.

Wow.

I'm trying.  I'm trying to reassure her that I'll be here for a long, long time. I'm trying to help her understand that most grown ups don't die at 45.  Trying to be enough for both you and I.  Trying to say and be everything that she and Joey need.

Trying to just keep breathing.
Trying to just keep sleeping and waking up.
Trying to just live.

And it sucks.