The Next Hardest Day

It was hard to move today.  It was hard to get out of bed and into the shower.  It was hard to start today.  Today is the first day of me moving on without you.

I drove alone to a pumpkin patch in Perryville.  It was Sophie's first field trip and she was so excited that I was going.  It was weird driving alone.  Being alone.  Sophie had fun.  I kind of went through the motions.  It was cold and a bit gray.  It matched my mood.

I went to see Dr. Robbins because I had missed appointments while you were in the hospital.  I cried.  I could hardly look at him.  He was sad and consoling.  Sensitive.  He insisted I take something to help with my nerves even if I never used it.

Finally at home, Sophie's tooth began hurting and all she could do was cry.  So, alone, I handled the first emergency without you.  I missed you every single step of the way.  I needed your advice.  I needed your strength.  God, Jas.  I need you so much.

There are friends checking in on me via the phone or video messaging.  They won't know how much they are carrying me right now.

Today was really the next hardest day.  As I cuddled with a now pain-free Sophie, I had just the tiniest sense that maybe I could do this.  Then I burst into tears.

I don't want to do this.