I guess that from the middle of September to the middle of October is when the REAL autumn like weather appeared. In September we went into the hospital with 95 degree days and this week we are in the 30s and 40s. I remember how much you loved this time of year and loved the chilliness of the evenings.
You told me how much your mom loved this time growing up and how you would sit outside under gray skies in the cold pretending to hunt witches or chase bad guys in the apartments where you grew up. We would often find time to sit outside and "chill" just a little. I miss you. So much.
I miss cuddling up with you and giggling in the cold.
I miss laughing at the kids one second and marveling at them the next.
I miss talking about movies.
I miss your warm hand in mine as we drive down the road.
Yesterday was Spooky Dinner. Remember how much fun we had planning what to make? Well, I just made punch this year. It was really just about all that I could do. I dressed up because I knew that Sophie would love that. I pretended that I was fine. I was not.
I drove the kids home and really wished you were there so that we could chat about the evening and who was there and what tasted the best and I don't know....just chat.
Today we went to Beggs' Family Farm and Lamberts. It was incredibly cold. Brrrr! I missed you at Lambert's. I just missed chatting with you and listening to you talk to everyone else. I missed watching you hold Sophie's hand as we walked in and coaching Joey through the menu. We did okay. Joey and Sophie were fine and the meal was pleasant enough. Joey made a spectacular roll catch! (Over the log in the ceiling even!)
The farm had several new attractions that Sophie and Charlie loved. Joey got kettle corn (which I think he always gets) and drove Sophie around in the peddle buggy things. Sophie was insistent that she go in the haunted house. I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised to learn that she did great. This child is not afraid of anything!
After the farm, I needed to stop in Cape to spend some Kohl's cash. On the way there we passed the theater. It has been totally renovated. It has been painted (a drastic change!) and the awesome dream lounger sign is up. For just a few seconds I was SO excited and couldn't wait to tell you that I saw it and to plan our trip to see Thor next weekend.
It really was like a physical kick to my chest. Almost as soon as I started to feel that happy, excited feeling it was smashed out of me. I kind of covered my physical reaction with a cough, but I was really shaken.
Every day. Every day there's so much that I want to tell you. So many ways that I need you.
At Kohl's I was haunted just thinking about walking through there and exploring the kitchen section with you. I loved how we always talked about our "dream kitchen" there and how we would fill it with the coolest gadgets and gizmos. Tonight I walked through the aisles wearing my sadness like a dark, heavy cloak. My chest was heavy so I had to concentrate on breathing.
This is hard. This is so hard.
I know you want me to be okay. I know you want me to love the kids fiercely and continue on. You've said it more than once. I remember once just out of the blue you said "If I die before you, I know you'll be fine. You are amazing. It's okay to miss me, but don't miss out on life either." I don't feel fine, Jas. I feel awful. I feel broken and scared.
Each time you said stuff like that, it always felt a little morbid or something. I realized then as I do now that you wanted to leave nothing unsaid. I really am thankful for that. I've told some in the last week that we didn't have anything that needed to be said or any "unfinished business". We talked about everything. We told each other how we felt about each other often and said "I love you" many times a day. I am incredibly thankful.
I realized yesterday, sitting on the couch opening cards from all over the place that my family was once again "We Three Kings". Remember how we used that on our Christmas cards before Sophie's miraculous appearance? I'm not sure what I felt when I realized that. Irony? I don't know. Despair? Probably.
That picture of us on the swing? That's me, trying to find a new normal, trying to celebrate our love by fiercely loving the kids, trying to keep traditions alive. That's me with my heart broken without you by my side. This is hard.
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