This morning it was easy to walk into the funeral home. I wanted to see you and touch you and ask you in some way to help me get through this. Remember after some of the funerals that we attended we would have wild, life-affirming sex? Yeah....that didn't happen last night. I ate pizza and cried and thought about all of the things I wouldn't be doing with you again.
When I woke Sophie up this morning the first thing she said was "What are we going to do today?" LOL....haven't we heard that EVERY morning for the last few years? Here's our conversation:
Me: Sophie, it's time to get up.
Sophie: What are we going to do today?
Me: Today is daddy's funeral. We will get more hugs from people that love us and then there will be a service where people say some things and we listen to a few songs. Then we will look at daddy's body one last time. Then we will drive to the cemetery because that's where daddy's body will stay. He doesn't need it any more.
Sophie: You know that talking part of the service? I'm pretty sure that I'll need to go out to that little room and play with the girls instead.
Me (laughing): Yeah, I know but you'll have to sit by me.
Sophie: (deep sigh) What else will we do today?
Me: Well after the cemetery we will come back to town and have lunch.
Sophie (raising her eyebrows): I like that part.
I know. She gets it honest, doesn't she?
We arrived before everyone else and I pulled up a chair to sit near the casket. I ran my fingers over yours and traced the letters on your shirt. I smoothed your hair and gently touched your mustache. I ran my finger over your eyebrows and remembered how you told me that as a boy your mom would gently stroke your eyelids to help you fall asleep. Your love for her was amazing, solid and pure. You were as devoted to her as she was to you.
Much to what I'm sure would have been your dismay, I took a few pictures this morning while I was in the room alone. I don't need to look at them now, but someday I might want too. You look like you. Well, with a skinny nose and bad lipstick, but other than that...you looked like you.
A few people came in this morning that couldn't come in last night. We hugged and cried. I'm sure I said things to them, but I don't really remember what I said. Then it was time. I just couldn't pull myself away. I knew that after the service started that they would take you away and I just wasn't sure about that. Jasper helped. Okay, he had to almost pull me away but I didn't make a scene.
Then what happened next was pretty beautiful. The service started with "Lead Me to Rest" by Acapella. It probably seemed weird to some people since your visitation playlist was worship music and just a touch of metal but I know how much you loved this song. Jasper read your obituary including the phrase "paroled to Jesus" like you wanted and then shared stories about college and his great love for you. Bryan delivered the message. He's so great at what he does. It helped. I don't think it will help forever, but today there was just a little bit of peace after that.
The service ended with "I Can Only Imagine". Whew. What the hell was I thinking? All I could do was ugly sob. My love for you seemed to leak out of my eyes and my heart raced hoping that everything I believe about heaven is true. I could see you in the hospital bed struggling to just exist. I could see you in the dark whispering my name in that sexy growl. I could see you walking into church with the kids at your side. I could hear you say "...and then don't be afraid to parole me to Jesus. You'll be fine and I'll be better."
I think it was at that moment that my broken heart could take absolutely no more. I lifted my hands praising God for giving you to me and at the same time screaming silently for Him to take me too. Then I felt Joey put his hand on me and Sophie nuzzle my arm. God's timing.
Joey is grown up and learning to be the kind of man you've modeled all of his life. He's seen you lead. He's seen you fail. He's seen you ask for forgiveness and boldly speak love and acceptance to him. Sophie is optimistic and a bundle of sunshine. She misses your cuddles and playing with you. I think she has your imagination and I know she has your heart. Perhaps they are at just the right age to help me live without you physically by my side.
When the service was over, the parade of love began. The parade of love is painful and sweaty and suffocating and beautiful. So many tears, baby. So many hearts that you've touched. Joey sat sternly beside me and Sophie lifted her arms to each person that walked by to embrace them. She was a cute little hugging machine.
Then it was just us. The front row. The inner circle. Those closest to you.
You mother's heart was broken. Your kids had tears streaming down their faces. Family watched helplessly to the side. Oh my god. I've never physically felt such emotional pain before.
For a few minutes I just stared. I wanted so bad to touch your lips one more time, but wow....creepy as fuck. I kissed my fingers and touched them to your lips. I touched your eyebrows and stroked your hair again as my tears fell on you. Then it was time to go. Time to walk away and never see your actual face again.
I leaned down and brushed my lips against yours.
Then I turned and walked away from the very best years of my life.
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