A beautiful day. It was a drive you would have enjoyed. It was cool outside, but sunny and the trees were holding on to their color beautifully. It had rained last night so the bridge that has a couple of inches of water over it had a few more inches over it. It didn't bother us, but I'm sure some that have never been there before were a bit hesitant to cross.
There was a tent set up near dad's grave and the little funeral folding chairs were set up. I had to sit in one. It didn't seem real. I mean, it was real, but that I was the widow. I was the bereaved. I had to sit in one of those chairs. In one of THOSE chairs.
Unfortunately, the chairs were sitting uphill and so when I sat in them I reclined a bit. Not good. Angie told me that she would hold the chair so I didn't tip over and I made a joke about how funny that would be since I wasn't wearing panties. I obviously said that a little too loud as a few people nearby heard it. I replied "Well, it's what Jason would have wanted." I totally had panties on, just FYI but you can pretend I didn't if it helps in any way.
Bryan told a story about a little boy that cut through a cemetery each day on his way home from school. When the other kids asked him why he did that he replied "It's just on my way home." I was thankful for just a moment after that story. Thankful that I would get to see you again and that you would feel better. Is there frisky welcome to heaven sex? I'm going to hope so.
I thought the casket looked pretty in the sunlight. I know you liked it here. You had commented often about how peaceful it was as you listened to me moan and groan about having to mow it as a teenager. It's a good place to lay your old body to rest. I spent a good portion of the drive back to the funeral home imagining what you might be doing in your new one.
When we got home from the hospital a few days ago it was very important to Joey that we get in touch with your brother, Tony. He was insistent and asked several times. He was really glad to have him attend the funeral too. He's a kind man and I'm glad he had a chance to connect with the kids. I know you would have liked that too.
I'm already bothered by the way I say "You would have...." and then whatever. I hate it so much. I miss you so much. I guess that it is a way that I can still include you. What happens when I stop using that? Will I? I feel like I'm in some kind of stupor right now. I can't imagine what happens from here.
I remember the times we talked about it. I remember that you said "You'll be sad but you'll do what you have to do. That's who you are." I want to think that's true. I'm thankful that you said those things now. I didn't want to hear them then, but now they are like guideposts in my mind. I think that you knew me better than I know myself. If that's true, what do I do now?
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