When we arrived at the funeral home we kind of waited in the waiting area until everyone that we thought would be there was there. I had pretty much decided that I wasn't going in. I told Jasper that I was pretty sure I could do this from my car. People could just walk by and knock on the window, express their condolences and then I could just roll the window up and cry and never have to go in and actually see your body.
The doors opened and we walked in. I was actually shaking inside and out as I walked down the aisle and saw your body there. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
How could this be real?
A voice that didn't sound like mine creaked out "Oh, baby! No." and tears just fell off of my face. Joey, stood tall as he stared at you and he too began to cry. Sophie clung to me and said "That looks like Daddy is sleeping. He is really still."
Time literally seemed to stop as I stared at you. You looked so much better than a couple of days ago. It was gruesome and horrific. Now? It did look like you were sleeping. Peacefully.
Then I felt Joey's head on my shoulder. He loves you so much. He's trying to be so strong but he's so young to have to live without you. I'm worried that I won't have the same connection that the two of you did. I'm worried that I'll be the worst single parent ever. I'm worried about life without you. We cried together.
Your mom's sobs were unforgettable. I can't imagine watching one of our kids come into the world and walk them to the grave too. I hope I don't have to. I hope they live to a jolly old age having lived a life full of love and adventure. You have been her life, her world, for 45 years.
Standing beside your coffin I loved that you looked like you. I love that you are wearing a Star Wars shirt and that the creepy, giant Kylo Ren figure that has been standing over our bed for the last couple of years is at the foot of the casket. There were a lot of flowers here. Probably more than you would have expected. I can imagine that you would say "Why the hell did they send flowers? They should just send money. These things are going to die." *giggle* They are beautiful and from so many thoughtful, loving people.
Your lipstick was bad. Crooked. Weird. I could feel your nipples through your shirt. Also weird. I mean, I didn't think they would be cut off or anything. I just didn't realize that they would be so perky or that I would be able to feel them. I tweaked them several times, just for old times' sake. You're welcome.
Someone brought me real tissues because the ones that the funeral home had felt like I was rubbing my face on the sidewalk. Someone else brought me a bottle of water. A chair appeared behind me. Kendra got your playlist going using groovy Bluetooth speakers. The playlist included some of the songs from your worship playlist, oldies and of course a little metal thrown in for good measure. Your slideshow played on the computer to the side. Then they came.
Just a few a first and then a room full. Then more around the room and out the door. I stood by your side in the cone of sadness. People from all of the schools I've worked, people from places that you've worked, college friends (some that drove hours to make it), an old girlfriend, a total stranger (seriously...a total stranger....never met you, worked for Dave and had been praying for you), family from the other side of the state, friends of Joey, Sophie's teachers, family, friends and more family.
There seemed to be a cone of sadness around me as I stood near your casket. People waited in line and when they stepped into the cone of sadness you could see it in their eyes and practically feel it in the air. The tears. The hugs. The hoarse whispers of "I'm so sorry." Stepping out of the cone of sadness I watched as they dabbed their eyes, shook their heads and walked away. Some stopped to chat to old friends they hadn't seen for a while. Others just rushed out awkwardly.
After a while it felt like a marathon. When it seemed that I couldn't cry anymore someone would walk up and they would look at me and the tears would fall again. No one had anything inspiring to say because let's face it...this is horrible. They did however tell me they were sorry, that they were praying for me and that they loved me and the kids. That? That did help a bit.
After a few hours there was no line.
Sophie came to your casket again before we left. She touched your arm and your hair and then she picked up your hand and let it drop. I gasped. Yikes! It was gross or anything. She was just trying to figure things out. Immediately a Simpson's quote that we shared often popped into my head "Don't mess with the dead, boy. They have eerie powers!" I chuckled to myself.
Sophie spent most of the night in the little snack room. That was a good place for her. She hung out with Lilian and Claire, Kendra and Jasper and got gifts from visitors. She is sunshine. Even on such a dark day she finds things to be happy about.
Joey drove me home. He's doing an amazing job. You would be so proud of him. Phyllis came and sat on the couch and ate pizza and let me talk. I miss her. I was glad she was there. Mom spent the night again. She's taking care of us. We've needed her and I'm glad she's been here.
I fell asleep remembering the feel of your skin as I traced your fingers. Cold and smooth and still. Very still.
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