Turning a Corner and Feeling It

Headed out the door one morning this week.  Mornings are tough.  Getting ready and out the door is a lot of work without your help.  This morning when we pulled up to school Sophie said "YAY for us, Mom!  We made it!"  LOL.  Yep.  Progress in baby steps.

I think I've turned a corner of sorts.  For many weeks I've just wallowed in my pain.  I've gone to work.  Fed the kids.  Paid the bills.  Cried every day.  Missed you every day.  Any time I thought of my future it seemed dark and hopeless.  I could only imagine me the way I am now.  Broken.  Fearful.  Struggling.  Seconds away from a break down every single minute of the day.

But this week?  This week I'm really trying to wrap my brain around what the fuck is going on.  I'm trying to find something good about this situation.  I'm trying to imagine a day when I'll wake up happy or find joy in life the way I did when you were here and we were doing life together.  I'm desperately trying to find  out who I am without you.

I've been trying to think about something good about being single.  I can have the thermostat set on whatever temp I want, but who cares.  I like it cold like you.  I can make whatever I want for supper, but it's weird that it is not fun to plan anymore without you.  I can do whatever I want, but what I want is to hang out with you.  I could screw around, but that's exhausting.  I only want to belong to you.  I don't like it, but I'm trying to find joy.

So, the corner I've turned doesn't seem like much.  Some days it isn't at all.  But I'm trying to figure out my life without you.  I haven't been doing that.  I've just been existing sadly and incomplete.  Heck, that's really what's happening most of the time now.  I'm just doing what has to be done, but some days its like I can feel you cheering me on.  Telling me that I'm strong enough and smart enough and that I can do it.  

Thank you for loving me so much that I can still feel it.