Things You Shouldn't Say to a Widow

Things you shouldn't say to a widow in the first year (maybe never):

"Well at least he's not in pain any more."   No, thanks, but I am.  You suck.
"You're young.  You can remarry."  I'm grieving and this is insulting.  You suck.
"At least you had all of that time together."  Whaaaaat?  How is that helpful? Look at all that time you had and now its all over so uhm...yeah.  You suck.
"Are you still really that upset?"  Yes, jackass, I am.  You suck.
"You've got to stay strong for the kids."  This doesn't make me feel stronger.  This causes a great deal of stress and anxiety.  I have never been more aware of my responsibilities than I am now.  You suck.
"Everything works together for good." (and/or quoting Romans 8:28)  How about Proverbs 17:27? An intelligent person restrains his words...   Widows don't need to hear this.  Believers know and maybe someday they will even be able to claim it out loud, but this is NOT comforting when their life is crumbling around them or they are struggling in every way to rebuild it.  You may mean well, but you suck.
"God just needed another angel."  What the hell?  We don't turn into angels.  Why would you think we turn into angels?  Did you learn theology from Tom and Jerry?  God doesn't need anything.  You think he's got some kind of  heavenly GoFundMe thing going on?  We give our tithe, our time, our worship for His glory, not because he has a deficit that we are filling.  Maybe you didn't know this.  I don't know.  You suck.


Things to say only if you really, REALLY, mean it:
"If you need anything just let me know."
This one is tricky, because it is often the most heartfelt.  The thing is, I'm not going to let you know.  I'm going to nod and say that I will, but I'm not.  I'm going to suffer through it.  Pay someone to do it.  Cry in frustration because it was something he always did and I can't figure it out.  Do without.  If you really mean this, they you are just going to have to do/provide things you THINK I might need.  Yes.  Sometimes mind-reading is necessary when dealing with widows.  I don't think I'm the only one that does this.  Sometimes it is just hard to be that vulnerable with others.  Even people that I know love me.
"Is it okay if I check in with you every now and then?"
Yes.  I'm going to need you to that for a couple of years, so...you know...be persistent.


What widows need to hear:
I love you.  I'm praying for you.
This helps.  We know you don't know what to say.  We don't know how to help you through this and we shouldn't have to.
I don't know what to say.
Yeah, I don't either, but you are here and you are saying things and I love you for trying.
I'm sure he will be deeply missed.
This speaks to the loss without making crazy assumptions.  This is safe.  This is good.
His name.
I so desperately need to hear his name in conversation, in stories about him, in reference to special times.  Don't omit his name because I might get upset.  It is much more upsetting to think that you are forgetting him.