Here's What I Know

It has been more than a year.  It's weird to say that.  It feels like yesterday.  It feels like a few hours ago.  The pain is not gone, but it is not always the same as it was this time last year.  Here's what I know:

1.  God is still with me and I know that he is working.
2.  I can do hard things.  Sometimes without help.
3.  The kids are alive and healthy and although I'm pretty sure I am screwing them up in various ways and am constantly second guessing any of my decisions relating to them, they are alive and healthy.
4.  Social media and the friends I talk to there has been a greater blessing than I ever could have imagined.
5.  Some nights when there's nothing to do and nothing on and I am feeling lonely, there's a sweeping wave of suffocating grief that I still can't control, so I don't.  I cry.  I feel sorry for myself.  I ask God "why me?" Sometimes I open Marco Polo and try to connect with a friend.  Other times I just walk around the house taking big deep breaths and thinking about what you might say to me.  Other times I get Sophie to bed and cry myself to sleep.
6.  Going back to that funeral home caused a moment of panic. Like I couldn't walk in.  I had a little freak out.  I think they should warn people about this event.  Like...take a Valium before you go back there kind of thing.
7.  I cry about a lot of different things that I've never cried about before.  I think this is just they way I am now.  It doesn't make any sense and although I used to hate crying about nothing, now I just do.
8.  I have very little time to deal with bullshit.  It's amazing how much clearer I see different situations, ideas and people.  They are just not really important like I once thought they were.  I spend more time thinking "What's really important?" and then doing that.