I Know What I'm Afraid Of

I had an epiphany of sorts today.  I'm afraid.  I've been afraid for months now on a regular basis.  I don't wake up afraid, but sometime as the morning goes on it creeps up.  It starts to smother me.  I haven't been able to label it until now.

I mean, I know its fear because I know what fear feels like.  I just couldn't figure out what.  At first it was the fear of taking care of the kids, the house, the business, etc.... on my own.  I'm doing that.  Probably not well, but I'm doing that and things aren't imploding or anything.

Then it was the fear of moving on.  I mean...each day that I live it feels like I'm leaping away from you.  Each day I see your books, your shoes, a sauce you love in the fridge, your picture on the wall and I just keep living.  I keep going to work.  I keep paying the bills.  I'm tentatively putting dates on the calendar.  I'm moving on, like it or not.  So...that isn't really what I'm feeling.

The fear of loneliness has also plagued me lately.  I afraid of being lonely before I'm actually lonely.  Loneliness sucks.  It's the most depressing of all, but I don't know that it is really fear as much as it is dread.  People say I'll get used to the loneliness sometime.  I doubt it.

Then it hit me today, driving down the highway thinking about the future that will eventually arise from this dung heap of a life I feel like I'm in right now and I got it.  I had a label for it.

I am afraid that the best part of my life is over.

That's it.  I can't imagine my life getting better without you.  I can't imagine a future where I am happy and content without you.  I can't imagine a better family life (because it is less), a better sex life (cause...damn), a better financial situation, a happier me....I can't imagine it.  We shared dreams and made plans and looked forward to our future....laughing at Joey trying to raise kids, arguing over who's genetic contribution helped Sophie win the Nobel Prize, you know.

Now?  I don't have that.  I feel like the very best part of my life is over and I hate it.  I am consumed. CONSUMED with a terrible, stomach wrenching fear.  What is there to live for?  What future am I working towards?  What could possibly be better than what we've had?

I know what I'm afraid of.  I'm afraid that the best part of my life has already happened.