Yesterday. This is the empty chair beside me in church. The one that you sat in. The one that you sat in and held my hand. Church was tough. Greg preached and did a great job (as always) and talked about hope. At one point near the end of the service they sang a song and he invited people down to the front to ring a bell to show "I'm not dead yet! I'm alive! I have hope!"
Wow. I know I needed to hear that, but wow. It took me most of the song to move, but I did it. I walked up in front of all of those people that I KNOW were staring at me and rang the bell as my eyes burned and my chest pounded.
You know those big water bottles that you saved and refilled? Well, I hate them. You knew that. Just seemed gross or something. I don't know. Well, I threw one of them away today, because...well....I hate them and you aren't here to save them. Within an hour I felt bad. Really bad. Over a water bottle. A damn, dirty, shouldn't have ever been recycled, gas station water bottle. This? This is the crazy that I am wading through right now. This is why I am
A few days ago, this popped up in my news feed and Timehop:
Wow. I know I needed to hear that, but wow. It took me most of the song to move, but I did it. I walked up in front of all of those people that I KNOW were staring at me and rang the bell as my eyes burned and my chest pounded.
You know those big water bottles that you saved and refilled? Well, I hate them. You knew that. Just seemed gross or something. I don't know. Well, I threw one of them away today, because...well....I hate them and you aren't here to save them. Within an hour I felt bad. Really bad. Over a water bottle. A damn, dirty, shouldn't have ever been recycled, gas station water bottle. This? This is the crazy that I am wading through right now. This is why I am
A few days ago, this popped up in my news feed and Timehop:
Is this one of those signs that I was waiting for? God's perfect timing? I don't know, but I can hear you saying this. I know you struggled, but you always had hope. I must admit that sometimes I feel like I'm hanging on these words and the hoping you were talking about like a cartoon character hanging onto the end of the boat being thrown all over the place. It feels like tidal waves of pain are smashing into me and I'm just holding on. Barely holding on. I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to feel your arms around me and to hear you say "Hey, baby!" I can't even imagine how incredible that will be.
Perhaps what I'm feeling is more than hope. Perhaps this is just an insatiable longing for my REAL home. I know I will see you again. I know I will hold your hand again. I know.
Perhaps what I'm feeling is more than hope. Perhaps this is just an insatiable longing for my REAL home. I know I will see you again. I know I will hold your hand again. I know.
Right now? Right now I just have hope that I can live through the tidal waves.
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