It has been more than a year. It's weird to say that. It feels like yesterday. It feels like a few hours ago. The pain is not gone, but it is not always the same as it was this time last year. Here's what I know:
1. God is still with me and I know that he is working.
2. I can do hard things. Sometimes without help.
3. The kids are alive and healthy and although I'm pretty sure I am screwing them up in various ways and am constantly second guessing any of my decisions relating to them, they are alive and healthy.
4. Social media and the friends I talk to there has been a greater blessing than I ever could have imagined.
5. Some nights when there's nothing to do and nothing on and I am feeling lonely, there's a sweeping wave of suffocating grief that I still can't control, so I don't. I cry. I feel sorry for myself. I ask God "why me?" Sometimes I open Marco Polo and try to connect with a friend. Other times I just walk around the house taking big deep breaths and thinking about what you might say to me. Other times I get Sophie to bed and cry myself to sleep.
6. Going back to that funeral home caused a moment of panic. Like I couldn't walk in. I had a little freak out. I think they should warn people about this event. Like...take a Valium before you go back there kind of thing.
7. I cry about a lot of different things that I've never cried about before. I think this is just they way I am now. It doesn't make any sense and although I used to hate crying about nothing, now I just do.
8. I have very little time to deal with bullshit. It's amazing how much clearer I see different situations, ideas and people. They are just not really important like I once thought they were. I spend more time thinking "What's really important?" and then doing that.
